If one more numpty asks me how much the enchanted hand mirrors cost, I’m going to scream. A pound. Everything in the shop’s a pound.
I stink. Thankfully, the cilia in my nose are frozen solid so I can’t smell myself. Like drips collecting at the tip of an icicle, my thoughts form at a glacial crawl. The odor of a body emitting freonic chemicals is rank. The first experiment lasted three days and my stench was lab-clearing, canary-killing noxious. […]
The Terrible installed a conveyor belt exclusively for her. It carried Invulnerabella along, wriggling helplessly toward the metalworks’s blazing furnace, her sinewy arms bulging against carbon-titanium cables. Her curse stole her strength whenever she was bound; the material was purely showmanship. His trap would immolate her in the same metalworks that had forged these cables. […]
You can’t rid of us that easily. And it IS April’s Fools Day. We, the staff of Flash Fiction Online, do solemnly swear we are full of hooey, the magazine is NOT going under or closing, and we’ll be publishing the content you know and love for a long time to come. Let’s face it; […]
JULY 9, 2018 Big progress today. Despite worries, experiment was complete success: walked under ladder with rabbit’s foot in hand, was missed by lightning strike on other side. Measured distance between self and scorch mark on ground: 2.7 meters. Weather report suggests lightning strike was likely, even before tests began; as such, near-miss should be […]
Ice cream is the friendliest entity on this planet, and I will liberate it. Throughout the parlor, it is restrained in tubs, behind a glass pane that refracts harsh fluorescents across its browns, yellows, and eerie greens. For the first time since punching through this planet’s atmosphere, I unspool my body into tendrils, coiling them […]
Zero G and three light years from the nearest drugstore is a shitty time to realize that you left your spare moon cup at the space station. Tonight I lost mine to the relief tube. The stuffy musk-and-lemon smell of the hold was invaded by the sharp tang of blood. I was half-asleep, trying to […]
A Note to Parents Regarding the Beginning and End of Time Diorama Presentations for Ms. Miller’s Third Grade Class
Dear Parents, It’s diorama time again, and I thought I would send home a few notes for parents about this annual project. While your child is encouraged to approach this project creatively, there are a few ground rules that will help ensure success – as well as the safety of the class. Time: If your […]
I am Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth. Ask Me Anything.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: I AM GRAALNAK OF THE VROON EMPIRE, CONQUEROR OF WORLDS, DESTROYER OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME, AND YOUR SUPREME AND BENEVOLENT OVERLORD. FOR THE NEXT SIXTY OF YOUR EARTH-MINUTES YOU MAY ASK ME ANY QUESTION WITHOUT FEAR OF RETRIBUTION. – Posted by graalnak 1 year ago * * * [ Display options: […]
I can pretty much find anything. It’s my superpower. It was always below the surface, in the backwaters of my brain, just waiting. I’m dead certain it was my kids and husband that finally forced it into the open. “Hon, have you seen my garpledeybip?” Like I knew what that was. “How should I know? […]