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I am Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth. Ask Me Anything.

Graalnak
By Dario Bijelac

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I AM GRAALNAK OF THE VROON EMPIRE, CONQUEROR OF WORLDS, DESTROYER OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME, AND YOUR SUPREME AND BENEVOLENT OVERLORD. FOR THE NEXT SIXTY OF YOUR EARTH-MINUTES YOU MAY ASK ME ANY QUESTION WITHOUT FEAR OF RETRIBUTION.

– Posted by graalnak 1 year ago

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[ Display options: top-rated comments only, chronological order]

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tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Seriously? No way this is Graalnak. He doesn’t even answer questions in his own press conferences.

verbosiraptor, 1 year ago: The rules are clear: prove you’re Graalnak or we’ll delete this thread.

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOUR RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME.

verbosiraptor, 1 year ago: It’s right there on the sidebar. No exceptions.

[237 more replies]

fleep, 1 year ago: Greetings! I am Fleep, Gralnaak’s communications secretary. I present to you this photograph of Graalnak holding a sign with the message “YOUR RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME, REDDIT” written in the blood of the human intern who suggested this compromise.

[39 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?

graalnak, 1 year ago: I WOULD FORCE THE TINY HORSES AND THE GIANT DUCK TO FIGHT EACH OTHER. I WOULD SLAUGHTER THE SURVIVORS, EAT THEIR LIVERS AND HAVE THE REST GROUND UP AND USED AS RADISH FERTILIZER.

[358 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: What is it with you guys and radishes?

graalnak, 1 year ago: RADISHES ARE DELICIOUS.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Why have you allowed these Earth-radishes to distract you from your primary mission on this planet?

graalnak, 1 year ago: KLEEPTOR IS THAT YOU?

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: No I am an ordinary human as my profile clearly indicates.

[87 more replies]

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dishslinger, 1 year ago:Last week four Vroons came into the restaurant where I work. They had a five-course dinner: radish rosettes, radishpacho, radish salad, sauteed liver and radish leaves, radish sorbet for dessert. The bill came to $197.28. They left $200. That’s a $2.72 tip. It should have been at least $40. Can you please tell your people to start tipping appropriately?

graalnak, 1 year ago: TIPPING IS OPTIONAL. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE $2.72.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Graalnak is correct no one gives me extra money just for doing my job.

tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Wait, is that $197.28 including tax? A standard tip used to be 15% on the pre-tax amount. Now you want 20% on everything?

[1398 more replies]

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ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: When are you going to begin construction on the plasma weapon factories?

graalnak, 1 year ago: STOP NAGGING ME, KLEEPTOR. I WILL GET TO IT. PROBABLY AFTER RADISH GROWING SEASON.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: I am not nagging. It is a legitimate question.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Also I am not Kleeptor.

[93 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: I’d love to join your internship program! How can I qualify?

dishslinger, 1 year ago: Are your interns paid?

burner2600, 1 year ago: Do interns get the schematics for those plasma weapon factories?

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOU WILL NEED A STRONG WORK ETHIC AND A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR PHYSICAL PAIN. YOU WILL RECEIVE VALUABLE WORK EXPERIENCE, AND ALL THE PARTIALLY-DIGESTED RADISH STEMS YOU CAN EAT.

[56 more replies]

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burner2600, 1 year ago: Is there any substance fatal to Vroons and harmless to humans?

graalnak, 1 year ago: YES. WATER.

burner2600, 1 year ago: Really?
graalnak, 1 year ago: NO YOU IDIOT RADISHES ARE 92 PERCENT WATER.

[132 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: How many Vroons does it take to change a lightbulb?

graalnak, 1 year ago: NONE. OUR TECHNOLOGY HAS ADVANCED FAR BEYOND THE NEED FOR LIGHT BULBS.

dishslinger, 1 year ago: None, they’ll just make some human do it for substandard wages.

burner2600, 1 year ago: One to set the lightbulb-changing quotas and a thousand to punish every human who comes up short.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: None, I will just sit on this pile of radishes in the dark.

[93 more replies]

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ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: What do you expect the Vroon warships to do when they reach the Praxadoolean defense fleet? Throw radishes at them?

graalnak, 1 year ago: SHUT UP, KLEEPTOR.
[17 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Is it true that Vroon ships visited the Earth 150 years ago?

 

burner2600, 1 year ago: Oh, not this again.

tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Not what again?
burner2600, 1 year ago: Just a stupid urban legend.

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: There are newspaper clippings from all over the world. A typical article describes “a large and bellicose individual with skin resembling the peel of a lime and an astonishing number of teeth” visiting farmers and insulting them. The details vary, but they’re all pretty similar.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: That sounds like one of us.
ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: I mean them. One of them.

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, KLEEPTOR.

burner2600, 1 year ago: The way the story goes, the visitor would order the farmer to bring him his best radish. Then he’d take a bite, spit it out, and leave.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: No Vroon would spit out a radish.
deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: The reports all say he complained they weren’t radish-y enough. Something about tasting like sawdust compared to Dalgoxean hyper-radishes.

graalnak, 1 year ago: HYPER-RADISHES? I DEMAND YOU TELL ME THE LOCATION OF THESE HYPER-RADISHES IMMEDIATELY.

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: They were from Dalgox-5, or Daglox-5, or something. I think it’s a planet.

graalnak, 1 year ago: TALGOX-5?

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Maybe.

graalnak, 1 year ago: I HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO. THIS QUESTION PERIOD IS OVER.

[326 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 11 months ago: Wow. I can’t believe that worked.

[537 more replies]

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Related thread, posted 14 minutes ago by deliciouskoolaid:

I’m deliciouskoolaid (aka burner2600). One year ago today I started a rumor and saved the world. Ask me anything.

 

© 2021

Meet the Author

20 Comments

  1. KathS
    January 5, 2021 @ 6:22 pm

    Brilliant

    Reply

  2. taraClark
    January 29, 2016 @ 8:03 pm

    Clever. Funny. Love it.

    Reply

  3. Aaron Laflin
    November 13, 2015 @ 6:57 am

    So good.

    Reply

  4. spekgame
    October 17, 2015 @ 10:52 am

    love this 😀

    Reply

  5. gregmachlin
    September 4, 2015 @ 2:51 am

    This is one of the two best SFF stories I’ve read this year. Fantastic. I loved it. Very Douglas Adams, and perfect use of Reddit’s ama to still tell a complete story.

    Reply

  6. Konstantinos Kalofonos
    May 13, 2015 @ 7:27 pm

    I actually created an account on here JUST to reply to your story.  I laughed as hard reading your piece here as I did during Douglas Adams’ books.  I have only ever laughed out loud reading Adams and Pratchett, and now your piece.  Thank you so much!

    Reply

  7. Leximize
    May 3, 2015 @ 3:36 pm

    I would enjoy reading more of this storyline…

    Reply

  8. bigmouthblog
    May 3, 2015 @ 2:11 pm

    Are you really Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth?
    Really?
    You?

    Reply

  9. laurasbadideas
    April 25, 2015 @ 7:40 pm

    andrhia aphotic_ink flashfictionmag Thank you!

    Reply

  10. andrhia
    April 25, 2015 @ 7:24 pm

    aphotic_ink laurasbadideas flashfictionmag That is AMAZING. Well done!

    Reply

  11. Stewart C Baker
    April 16, 2015 @ 12:17 pm

    Hahaha, I love the ending of this. 🙂

    Reply

  12. Leximize
    April 4, 2015 @ 10:44 pm

    Poignantly great mechanism. Thanks for saving the world.

    Reply

  13. theresa
    April 4, 2015 @ 11:17 am

    Also, you hit the nail on the head with the number of side comments about tipping. Ha!

    Reply

  14. theresa
    April 4, 2015 @ 11:16 am

    Have you noticed how eloquent Graalnak is for a creature who subsists on radishes and livers?

    Reply

  15. JRBrillianton
    April 3, 2015 @ 7:01 pm

    Absolutely hilarious and wickedly clever! By the way, I also like radishes.

    Reply

  16. ERGBennett
    April 2, 2015 @ 7:40 pm

    I want to frame this.

    Reply

  17. DaleShort
    April 2, 2015 @ 3:20 pm

    What a hoot! Extremely original and funny…and a great sendup of online message boards, to boot.

    Reply

  18. Dippendorfer
    April 1, 2015 @ 10:55 pm

    I love this.

    Reply

  19. laurasbadideas
    April 1, 2015 @ 2:19 pm

    AnnaYeatts flashfictionmag Thanks! I’m so happy to see it up, and I really enjoyed my interview with ElizabethShack

    Reply

  20. AnnaYeatts
    April 1, 2015 @ 2:00 pm

    laurasbadideas flashfictionmag Loooove some “Graalnak”!

    Reply

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